Desolation Row: The Worst Cocktails on Earth
As a (mostly) successful college graduate, I’ve done and still do my fair share of recreational drinking. Since turning 21 years old, I’ve been able to do that fairly well. Better than I expected, in fact. But there was a time, a significant chunk of my semi-adult life, where I’d drink just about anything with alcohol in it. Perhaps that’s why I’m particularly fond of The Daily Blackout and the vast majority of the disgusting stuff inside it. I’ve always had a good beer palate, and I at least know when I’m drinking good liquor or wine, so it always struck me as odd that I could consume such crap with relative ease. “Crap,” by the way, doesn’t just describe the alcohol, because during the summer of 2010, I invented (or at least reinvented) no fewer than ten cocktails that would make the average person cringe. We’re talking about rotgut liquor mixed with dollar store soda. Shots of Old Crow dropped into glasses of Four Loko. I once made Gatorade mix and then mixed it with vodka. Read on for some more. But be warned. This is going to get ugly.
The Widower (Old Crow & PBR)
They call this “The Special” at a lot of bars in Philly, and it’s also called a boilermaker. When made with sensible ingredients of course. When it’s Old Crow & Pabst, it’s the official drink of broken men, widowers, and professional fishermen. You probably know how to do it already, but if not, you just pour a shot of OC, drop it into a pint of PBR, and chug. Repeat for as long as necessary.
The Red Silence (Cheap vodka & cheap fruit punch)
Up in Boston, there’s a chain called Tedeschi’s, a convenience store/sub-par deli that pops up every couple of blocks. I happened to live across from the only one in Allston that’s open 24/7. Like any good convenience chain, they sell their own brand of drinks and snacks, and of course, they’re all terrible. The worst offender? Tedeschi Select Fruit Punch, $1 for a two-liter. One hot summer night, I mixed an entire two-liter with a handle of that stuff you see above, a vodka so shitty that only one picture exists online, and I took it. The next day, I looked in the cup I had used the night before, and there was a solid inch of red slime lining the walls. For some reason, I drank it a few times after that.
The Punisher (Old Crow & Four Loko)
Old Crow rears its ugly head again. This one is simple, and devastating: take shot of OC, drop it into the Loko, and drink. I didn’t invent this, but I sure as hell pretended I did. If you try this, be really careful. Hard liquor and Four Loko just smells of a surprise hospital visit.
Blueberry Battery Acid (Vodka, 7Up, & blueberry juice)
It’s pretty hard to find blueberry juice, but if you can, this drink is actually pretty good. 1/3 vodka, 1/3 7Up, 1/3 blueberry juice. You can use any lemon-lime soda if you want, but I think 7Up works the best. This is what sad alcoholics drink up in Maine.
The Country Gentleman (Southern Comfort & Mountain Dew)
I mentioned this briefly in my review of SoCo, but this drink is the tits. It doesn’t really taste all that great, but that’s okay, because it gives you superhuman abilities. It also doesn’t give you much of a hangover the next day, which is surprising. My advice is to use Diet MD in lieu of the sugary stuff. The SoCo brings enough “sweet” to the party. Speaking of parties, next time you’re off to a social event, bring a liter or two of pre-mixed Country Gentleman and watch the women flock.