The Bad Beer Brouhaha, Part Three
For Part 1, click here. Part 2, click here.
THE REJECTS
Like many a malt liquor, most of the big beer companies also have offshoot breweries that do their really dirty work. This beers are usually among the worst on earth. Nobody actually likes this crap, but sometimes it’s all you can afford.
Icehouse
AKA heartburn in a can. Icehouse is made by the “Plank Road Brewery,” which is a Miller-owned operation. Ice beer is rarely a wise choice, but this stuff makes other ice beers taste like fruit juice. Nasty. 1 out of 10.
Red Dog
Perhaps half a cut above Icehouse is this abortion of a beer. Red Dog. It’s mostly famous for two things: what the logo supposedly resembles when upside down (Batman performing cunnilingus), and being absolutely godawful. 2 out of 10.
THE IMPOSTORS
These guys are produced solely to trick idiots into thinking they’re “imported” or somehow unique. The most imitated style is the Belgian white, but there are a few others that get lumped in as well.
Blue Moon
AKA, the beer you think is really good when you’re 12 years old. Blue Moon is an Americanized Belgian white and it’s dreadful. Too sweet and loaded with phony fruit flavor. MillerCoors is behind this. 3 out of 10.
Shock Top
Anheuser’s answer to Blue Moon. Shock Top cranks up the fruitiness and pumps it full of more sugar and wheat. I guess these imitation Belgian whites are easily marketed to people who don’t like beer. 2 out of 10.
Beck’s
Beck’s is actually made outside of the US (sometimes), but you wouldn’t know it. This “pilsner” is one of the most metallic beers you’ll ever have, and also far sweeter than any pilsner should be. 3 out of 10.
LOS DESOLADOS
How could we forget the fine malted products our neighbors down in Mexico enjoy? These Mexican beers are all the same, save for the occasional difference in color.
Corona
I was in Mexico once. I saw this (American) girl put a lime in her Corona and flip it upside down several times. Why? “To get the lime in there man!” I wanted to shoot her and throw her into the bay. Alas, I did not. 1 out of 10.
Tecate
Every bit as bland and shitty as Corona, but less obnoxious about it. Tecate is less popular with Gringos as well, so that’s gotta count for something. I actually like Tecate a little bit. Sue me. 4 out of 10.
Dos Equis
Dos Equis hit a home run with their “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials. Unfortunately, everything that guy says is invalidated, as he enjoys Dos Equis, a Corona clone without the iconic label. Many varieties, all bad. 2 out of 10.